relflectioning from the conference...

I’m here at a conference for youth ministry workers. It’s an event called ‘the blaze’ being held at the montreat camp and conference center in North Carolina. Up in the mountains, near Ashville. It is a lovely place, and the conference is fantastic. My only complaint is the lack of downtime. I’m at this conference as part of a class ‘emerging trends in youth ministry’ and so each moment of scheduled free time, we are scheduled to be in class. Our teacher is a presenter here at the blaze and so we have that opportunity.  The keynote speaker here is a guy named mark yaconelli. He’s written a few books on the theme of contemplative youth ministry. So seeking out the time to be quiet and pray and listen for God. Seeking out God in the relationships you have with the kids you work with, letting yourself be delighted and captivated by these relationships. Finding God everyday. Part of his morning keynote address yesterday was 20 minutes at the end to just go and do whatever you felt God was calling you to do. So I went and took pictures of the lake, there were two swans and three or four crazy looking ducks hanging out in the lake and I went and for 15 minutes just stood there and watched them and took pictures. This morning at the end of the session we did a guided prayer exercise where we closed our eyes and went to somewhere sacred, somewhere that we had experienced God before. I went to the camp by my house where we took our youth group. It’s a beautiful camp out in the middle of the mountains and we were out there with the seniors, it was January so it was pretty cold and it was probably 8:00pm. Some of us decided to go for a little walk, knowing we couldn’t go far because of snow or ice or frigid cold. We walked a little ways and came out to a clearing. I remember breathing in the cold, crisp air, breathing out and seeing the breath leave my body. I looked up and saw a billion stars. The sky was just lit up with the beauty of the heavens. As I stood there with life happening around me, staring up at the stars all I could think of was “How can people see this same sky and wonder if there is a God?” The vastness of the universe overwhelmed me, the goodness of God was there in every star, every voice, every breath I was taking. As I looked around tears came to my eyes as I tried to take it all in and imprint this place at this exact time in my memory. While I was staring in literal wide eyed wonder, the wind rustled the trees around me and I felt a joy in that cold, crisp air. It was like God was talking back to me, like God too was in amazement at his creation.

In Hebrew there is a word, bahra, which means create. And this particular word can only be used to refer to God creating. It is the second word in my Hebrew bible. I try daily to notice the glory of God’s creation. I try to record it in the pictures that I take, and in the stories that I tell. I am frequently overwhelmed by the awesomeness of God and of this life that I have been given. Which is not to say there aren’t challenges. After we took ourselves to our sacred space, we sat for a while and just remembered it. Then we were asked to invite all the negative things that were present to come in. As someone who still struggles with depression this was fairly easy. Self-doubt, self-hatred, shame, sadness; it was all there. After we sat with this a while we were asked to bring God back into our sacred space. And to be there with us and with all the negative things we had invited it. We were asked to see ourselves with compassion, to see all the negative things but to also see God there in the negative things. See God spending time with us as we worked with the negative things. It was a powerful prayer. I think for me it is easy to only thank God for the good things. Only see him in the good things, it’s hard for me to see the hand of God in my depression. But I can see God sitting with me in the depression. In moments I can see how this brokenness will benefit me in the future, help me to sit with others through their own depression, and in that there is the hand of God.

After the keynote address this morning we were supposed to go to another workshop. I decided to blow off the workshop and instead spend some time writing, reflecting on the experience. Letting myself feel God sitting with me in all my negative thoughts that I can think. Mark had said that the negative thoughts are like a jail that you create yourself, and knowing that God is there with you helps you to have a tunnel out, you just have to allow yourself to take it. I don’t know if I’m there yet. I don’t know if I can tunnel out. There are moments when I feel like I’ve already left it, and moments when I feel like Andy Dufrane before he gets his rita Hayworth poster. All I see are solid walls, with no way to escape. As I sit here in my room and type this sun is coming out from behind a cloud and shining down on me. The ever-present touch of God upon my shoulder, reminding me that he is here, he is sitting with me.